I’m having trouble sleeping tonight. Today I came across a new condition/illness, whatever you want to call it that has symptoms very similar to mine.  I stopped looking up symptoms a long time ago. Every few days for the first couple of years that I was ill someone (mostly James) would find something new. Some new reason for what was happening to me to help people stop  feeling helpless.  It started driving me crazy after a while. Each one was a liferaft that you can never reach no matter how hard you swim and so I had to get the googling to stop for my own sanity more than anything.

I broke the rule today and looked up something new and then got freaked out by the life expectancy of people with the condition. The most obviously path is to hunt down some specialists and ask them if they think I have it but now I’m being to question if I really want to know. Chances are that I don’t anyway, it’s pretty rare and it normally only develops in people over 60, but what if they say I do have it? You hear about people all the time who die quite soon after they get a terminal prognosis. I’ve seen studies where placebo drugs have caused physical body changes that cured people. The mind is a very powerful thing so, who knows what it would do with the information. I guess to know or not to know, that is the question.

This isn’t a morbid post, I’ve always tried to live for each day (cos who knows whether you’re going to get hit by a bus). I think if it was my own choice I’d never want to know but that seems like a selfish stance because there’s a few people (including the Mr who needs to stop snoring and trying to steal my blanket) who would want to get it ruled out.

I think it would be hard for most people to understand but there’s a tiny bit of me that would be relieved if someone said yeah this is what you have dude. I’d no longer be a question mark and I could go say in your face to the doctor who told me “it’s not your fault” and the people who think I “choose” not to work (have you seen day time TV?).

Just to bring it back to running, James wasn’t too impressed when I said I’d better go do Double Dare just incase. 🙂