There are some people who think that if you can run a race and write a blog then you can also get a job.  It’s pretty rude and a bit ignorant really but I try to make allowances, they don’t understand and I’m thankfully that they have never have had to go any type of experience that would make them understand.  I know that they think it though, some even say it to my face.  This isn’t a rant though, more of sharing insight to help people to understand.  I didn’t really want to share it and you don’t have to read it, feel free to leave whenever. I just thought maybe I could give people more of an understanding.

So this morning I’m traveling to Deal for a race tomorrow and then I have an amazing weekend in London planned with my mother for my birthday.  It almost all didn’t happen because of something that used to be the simplest thing ever.  I needed to get ready to go, eat something (Not getting to Deal until 3 and have a marathon tomorrow) and then go get the train.  Anything with a deadline is difficult for me because I get stressed but i’d worked through every step in my head, knew what came after what, it was all sorted.  At 8:30 James asked me to phone my bank and sort something for him. It wasn’t in my plan and my head just starts screaming can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t.  It’s not a big thing, a phone call, I know it should be easy so the part of my brain that still tries to act like nothing is wrong with me starts going think think thnk think think whilst the rest is going can’t can’t can’t can’t. Then I got stuck in a pattern and needed to clean the kitchen in order to clean my head out.  It wasn’t pretty, the patterns just keep repeating and you can’t break them.  The more you the try the harder it gets.  The only way to stop it is to sit and stop trying but it was to bad to do that today, I think the pressure of the time restriction pushed me too hard and so I got frustrated and angry instead.  I never used to have OCD but I guess it’s like that, I always used to declutter the house to declutter my brain when I was writing essays or doing work so I guess that behaviour is still in my head somewhere but my illness must magnify it and blow it up into a compulsion to the point where I cry, scream and hit my head.   This is what happens when I try to get my brain to think.  I’m sat on the train now two hours later and I can’t talk.  The lady opposite keeps giving me funny looks for shaking and I have to listen to music so that I can replace the pattern in my head with the pattern in the song (It has to be songs that I know and they can’t repeat themselves too much otherwise it becomes part of the pattern rather than a distraction).  I really want a cup of tea.  I did think of writing a note to give to the person behind the counter (like a stick up) but then I realised that there’s too many steps.  I’d have to get a pen and paper out, write he note, get up, walk to train shop (it’s actually only a few seats away), hand the note over, get the tea, pay for the tea, go back to my seat, put milk in, put sugar in, take the tea bag out ( I know I never used to just get from a to b without having to think of every step but I don’t remember what it felt like).  Anyway, just thinking about how to get a cup of tea is making me exhausted.  I may try it later if I still can’t talk but right now I can’t walk anyway so I think I pretty much have to give up on the tea.

Time is funny. I never know time of day or even what day it is anymore because most of the time I don’t live by it.  The real world does though, constantly, I know because every time I join it I have to live by time again and struggle.  I can plan every step but if something pops up that I haven’t planned for then that’s it, head explodes and everything becomes a big mess.  Stress doesn’t make me ill, I get stressed by the fog in my brain when I try to force it to do something.  Sometimes I wish I’d always been this way, that I didn’t know how easy thinking used to be.  I really miss not having to see the entire thought process (I used to know the answer to logic issues without even knowing how I got the answer) and being able to do lots of different things at once but it is what it is.  I’m not writing this for people to feel sorry for me (sympathy does nothing for me, James probably needs it more than I do).  If anything, my illness has made me strong and determined.  I wouldn’t have achieved half of what I have done if I hadn’t got ill but there’s things I can’t do.  I can’t tell you I’ll be somewhere by a certain time, I can’t tell you if I’ll be able to walk or talk at that precise moment, I can’t commit to anything and I can’t do deadlines.   I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me, even writing this post bothers me because it’s embarrassing to tell people you can’t make a phone call whilst getting ready to go and get a train, but I try not to dwell.  Life’s all about the good days, the good moments.  So back to that job, if you can find someone who wants to hire someone to only work when they are well will no deadlines I’m all for it but until that day if you have a problem it’s your problem, not mine. Peace out dudes. 🙂