Sometimes there’s lots of things I want to do.  My list today probably has 50 billion on it.  I would love to be able to do one of them but I can’t.  I’ve been ‘broken’ (as my husband calls it) since Sunday.  Half way round Dublin marathon.  Usually I know it’s coming but I didn’t this time, i think because my hearing went first and not my sight.  The crowds at Dublin marathon were amazing, very proud and loud cheering for every runner.  It was pretty amazing until it wasn’t.

Somewhere around mile 11 the clappers (little plastic clappy things they give spectators to save their hands) started to seem really loud.  A mile later and each ht of plastic on plastic started sounding like a something of Saving Private Ryan.  To me it was explosion after explosion after explosion.  I’ve never had this happen during a race before and it freaked me out a little.  When I get ill during a race I try to get into a pattern but I’ve never tried this for more than a few miles during a parkrun or the end of a 10k.  It turns out I can’t do it for 13 miles.  When my sight went blurry too it was just too much with the noise.  My head felt like it was exploding, i wanted to scream and so I gave up.  I still finish but I know I could have done better.

I don’t like giving up. It makes me feel like I lost and something else won. This nameless shadow thingy that hangs over me.  I was trying to be brave too, I’d just won an award for it and so thought i should try to be it more. If I kept fighting it though and could make it to the finish then I knew I’d be a mess once I crossed the line and I was in Dublin on my own.  There would be no one to look after me.  It’s the first time I’ve truly felt disabled.  I try not to get sad or wallow too much because there are so many people not as lucky as me I feel like a lot of my independence has been chopped away from me.  The shadow has probably been chipping at it for a long time but it finally fell down.  I feel like I am no longer able to do what I want to do because of me illness and that’s the definition of disabled right?

Having to face it and admit it pretty much sucks.  I don’t think it helps that I’ve been stuck on my chair since Sunday because you start to think that you’re never going to have a good day and the outside world stops exiting.   I can go weeks without leaving the house or speaking to anyone that isn’t the dog or the husband but it used to be OK because I’d have a race to look forward to.  I’m sure, or at least I hope, that they’ll be other races but at the moment it doesn’t feel like there will be.  I can’t even post a letter or respond to an email.  I try but I can’t.  The more I fight it the more I can’t (Doctors make me laugh cos they think I get ill when I’m stressed but truth is I only get stressed when I’m ill).  So I just have to sit back and ride the tide until this episode decides to be over because that’s all I’m able to do.  It has to end eventually right 🙂

P.s. I feel the need to end with a positive.  I’m now addicted to the Magic Kingdoms Disney mobile app.  I swear it’s the best game ever and it’s keeping me very amused whilst I’m stuck being a lazy bum on my chair.